Written by Gayathri Prabhu
Published by Harper Collins
ISBN: 9352773764
Language: English, pp. 192
-Meenakshi
If I Had to Tell it Again is a moving memoir. In this memoir, Prabhu pens an honest account of her father’s battle with depression and her own struggle of combating the same disability. Her father, referred to as SGM in the text, grew up among several siblings. Since he was the brightest kid among all of his siblings, his grandfather saw potential in him and helped him get a good education. SGM wanted to be a doctor but family responsibilities and expectations forced him into pursuing B.com. He graduated and moved to a town with a clerical job. He was a talented man. He could write, play drums, sing, and was popular among friends and neighbours. He was the epitome of a selfless man. But something brought him down in the middle phase of his life that he could not come out of. He had great expectations from himself and he felt like he could not live up to them. That was probably the major reason that led him towards the path of depression. He started drinking too much, became abusive, and hit his daughters until his anger calmed down. He raised his daughters in an unconventional manner. He liked his elder daughter Gayathri more than the second daughter and bestowed on her all the expectations which he had had from life. He wanted her to accomplish everything he could not achieve. And when she could not excel in those things, he felt shattered. This became the point from where there was no turning back. He indulged more and more in drinking alcohol. He started talking about suicide frequently. He never accepted his disability and did not seek aid. For him, it was his misfortune and failure. In the later phase of his life, he did want to quit alcohol but it was too late by then. He died as he promised—without troubling his family.
Gayathri Prabhu’s story of depression begins with her father’s exceptional expectations and the beatings she received from him. She avers “it was exhausting, damaging, infuriating to be his favourite” (Prabhu 22). She had several encounters of child abuse and since her father always neglected her, she could not raise her voice against the sexual predators. The grim reality is that these sexual predators were led into her life by her own father. Since SGM had the quixotic ideals of goodness in humans, he could not sense the ulterior motives of these relatives and friends. Prabhu was expected to accomplish marvellous things in life. She tried her best but she couldn’t do any better. She lost her first child in a miscarriage, got divorced from her husband and struggled to find any new path in life. She did not have anyone to share the vortex of darkness she was in. But unlike her father, she sensed her problem and decided to take treatment. It was gruelling for her but she did not let depression end her life.
Both SGM and Prabhu endured the same disability. It is intriguing to note that both were coerced to attain astounding things. SGM’s family wanted him to be a successful man and since he could not become one, he wished that his eldest daughter would fulfill that goal. Talking about the expectations of her father, she writes, “and because he had declared himself a failure, there was no room for me to be anything but a success” (Prabhu, 10). Thinkers like Albert Ellis have accentuated in their writings that depression is the outcome of a constant societal gaze and expectations of the society from individuals. Though it is difficult to trace the beginning of depression in an individual, it can be observed that Prabhu and SGM were the victims of a persistent societal gaze that made them believe that they are not worthy. No matter how hard they strived, they could not fulfill these expectations.
Karla Thompson in “Depression and Disability: A Practical Guide”, asserts that people who have had too many bad experiences and too few good experiences are likely to have depression. In Prabhu’s case it was many bad experiences of child abuse, beatings, and ignorance on her father’s part. SGM too had many negative experiences in the form of failures and disappointments. Because of the enigmatic nature of depression, it is not easy to identify it in an individual but that does not negate the fact that it affects an individual's entire life and can even lead one to their own death. Both SGM and Prabhu had suicidal tendencies. To limn her father’s condition, she writes, “he talked about killing himself more and more frequently towards the end” (Prabhu, 19). Though SGM did not commit suicide, he did end his life in a way, indulging in alcoholism. Prabhu captures her helplessness by writing, “we begged our father to seek help, but he would not. I just want to die, he said, don’t worry, I won’t be a burden on you” (Prabhu, 31). In his depressed state, SGM sought refuge in alcohol. But instead of giving him any relief, it ended his life.
In this gripping memoir, Prabhu addresses one of the vital issues related with mental disability i.e., stigmatization and ostracization of mentally disabled people. Depression may not be regarded as a serious health problem in itself but when one starts to receive treatment for it, they are likely to be labelled ‘abnormal’ in society. The very idea of getting treatment for mental disabilities is perceived as a sign of ‘madness’ because mental disabilities are seen in a different light from other health problems and disabilities. In ‘Leap’, a one act play, when character W tries to reveal that she is depressed, M cautions her that “they [society] will never look at us [depressed people] the same way again” (Prabhu, 63). M’s assertion raises the pertinent issue of how disclosing one’s mental disability potentially leads an individual to ostracization. One starting her treatment, Prabhu’s close friends and family started treating her abominably. She mentions “those around me stepped away, as one does when a life starts to unspool, and there was nothing to do but accept what that implied. Perhaps they saw the confusion, the mess, which had grown roots in my head” (Prabhu, 117).
When an individual deals with depression, he/she is left alone and expected to get rid of it by doing exercise, being happy, going out, developing new hobbies, staying positive; essentially by doing everything except getting treatment. That is what SGM and Prabhu were advised to do. SGM himself neglected his disability and Prabhu had to toil to get treatment. It was excruciating for her to convince her own father that she is not unfortunate and her disability can be cured. The memoir not only portrays the plight of SGM and Prabhu but also situates depression as a serious health problem that should be addressed.
Alice Hall remarks that disability narratives written by disabled individuals are vital texts in delineating an insider’s view of disability. Since there is scarce representation of depression in Indian English literature, it is imperative to create a legacy of disability writings that describe what it feels like to suffer from mental disabilities and the process of overcoming them. Prabhu’s memoir is a commendable attempt at creating a space for addressing the sufferings, myths, assumptions, and preconceived notions attached to depression. She has written a memoir that talks about a community- the community of the mentally disabled. She declares her intention of writing this memoir when she avers,
"That is why, to be silent, I tell myself, would be to collude with the collective denial and discomfort about mental illness…the most valuable advice is to talk about it, to tell someone, and even though the telling is just a start, it is needed. Otherwise, the shame is muted and the muted stays shameful, slowly snuffing out one’s spirit. This is why one writes a memoir. This is why one tells strangers. We carry the invisible, and perhaps the telling can honour it, make it real and seen" (Prabhu, 131).
Through this memoir Prabhu weaves word by word the collective experiences of depressed people. Madhavi Menon acknowledges Prabhu’s efforts and aptly points out that this memoir challenges our perceptions of depression. By the end of this memoir readers are compelled to see depression as a serious health problem and have an empathetic outlook towards depressed people.
About the Author:
Miss Meenakshi teaches English Language and Literature at Satyawati College (Evening) NCWEB Centre, University of Delhi, as a Guest Faculty and serves as an Academic Counsellor at SOL, University of Delhi. She is an avid reader and likes to indulge in research and writing. Her research interests include Disability Studies, Women’s Writing, and Identity Politics.
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